Self Improvement: Grief

‏إظهار الرسائل ذات التسميات Grief. إظهار كافة الرسائل

When You Cannot Attend a Memorial Service, Writing a Condolence Letter Can Help

Condolence letters are considered some of the most difficult letters to write and send because of their very sensitive nature. Even so, when someone close to you is dealing with the loss of a loved one, the grief and bereavement, writing and sending a condolence letter is probably one of the most considerate, kind, and thoughtful things you can do.

A condolence letter, if written properly, can show that you care about your friend and what they’re going through and that you are sympathetic to their loss. Although there are many different ways to remember a loved one, such as a funeral, memorial service, online memorials, and online obituaries, writing and sending condolence letters can also be your way of not only expressing sympathy but also in remembering a loved one and sharing those memories with your grieving friend or relative.

The problem is that many people have a hard time finding the right words to express themselves in writing during such a sensitive time. Before you put pen to paper or start thinking of what on you are possibly going to write, keep in mind that your letter, in addition to being carefully and well-written, should aim to achieve three main purposes. The first is to express sympathy and comfort to your friend or relative experiencing the loss of a loved one. The second is to honor and pay tribute to the deceased and the third is to let the bereaved person know that you are available should they need help. If you are able to keep these three things in mind, and put them on paper, your condolence letter will in fact be honest and heartfelt.

Try to be personal and heartfelt in your condolence letter, without being too sentimental and gushing. You can start by acknowledging what happened—the person’s death, how you found out about it, how it made you feel, etc. Do not go into detail about how or why the person died—this is completely unnecessary and unhelpful. Move on to express sympathy and comfort to your friend or relative in bereavement. If you don’t know the name of person who died (for example, it could be your best friend’s grandmother), find out. This will make your condolence letter more personal and meaningful. If you’re uncomfortable asking, find out at the funeral or memorial service, or search online - their obituary may be online or an online memorial may have been set up.

Next, include positive statements about the relationship between the deceased and your friend or loved one, if appropriate, as well as positive statements about your relationship with the deceased. Don’t forget to include something positive about them in general—his or her good qualities, characteristics, personality, hobbies, interests, good memories, etc.

In writing your condolence letter, avoid clichés like “I know how you feel” or “This is for the best” or “This is God’s will”—these statements are generally not sincere or heartfelt and don’t really serve a purpose.
Also, avoid writing general statements about your willingness to help if needed (this is unfortunately very common in condolence letters). While you likely have a desire to do something for your friend or relative who is grieving for the loss of a loved one, think of something practical that you can specifically do, and then offer your services—but only if you can follow through.

How do you send a condolence letter? First of all, it’s usually not appropriate to type and then print one out using your computer. Secondly, avoid e-mailing a condolence letter, save for special or extreme circumstances. The best way to write and send your letter is to handwrite it using stationery. Remembering a loved one and offering support through a condolence letter requires a personal touch.
When mailing your letter, make sure it’s mailed within two weeks or so of the person’s death in order to properly pay your respects in a timely manner.

Writing a condolence letter is not an easy task. It is a difficult but necessary thing we may all have to do in our life to help aid a loved one in a time of need. Take this as a simple guide to get you on your way as you have to take on the task.

~Ben Anton, 2007

Using Condolence Poems in Eulogies or Condolence Letters

Death is not an easy subject for anyone to discuss or cope with. Often your emotions are so stirred up that it can be very difficult to come up with words of condolence for those that need them. Sometime you find yourself not saying anything at all and that can be even worse than saying the wrong thing. Poems can be the perfect way to get across what you want to say. Memorial service poems can actually put everyone more at ease during a funeral or memorial service.

Grieving family and friends want others to remember their loved one’s life and acknowledge them. Seeing a life celebrated and hearing words of sympathy and celebration from others often helps them move through their own grief journey. The right memorial service poetry can really set the mood for the whole ceremony. Written words can be much more effective than spoken condolences at reaching a grieving person’s heart. Simple and soothing words acknowledging a loss, accompanied by a meaningful sympathy or condolence poem can touch a heart like nothing else can.

Having a memorial poem or poetry to look back upon can really be an emotional strengthener. A poem can be about the life of the one who has passed or just kind words. The memorial poem could be about an event in the loved one’s life or just loving words of a close friend. Often these mementos are kept for many years, framed for the family or left at the gravesite as a reminder of the deceased.

There are numerous memorial service, condolence and sympathy poems written and easily available. Poems ranging from heartfelt and sad to lighthearted and even funny have been written by amateur and professional poetry writers to put words to the feelings that are expressed after someone has died. If you are asked to speak at a memorial or funeral service and are having a difficult time writing down how this loss has made you or the family feel, consider including a poem in your tribute.

To add a poem to your eulogy or condolence letter, first you must consider who the person was and what they would have appreciated or enjoyed read. If the person who passed enjoyed the outdoors, maybe a memorial poem with colorful forest or nature-like imagery would speak to the audience, and properly pay tribute to the lost loved one. If the deceased was a practical joker or light-hearted individual, maybe a poem that incorporates a bit of humor would remind their family of what a happy spirit that individual was.

Look at your local bookstore for poetry books that have memorial or condolence poems included or search online for posted poetry. Poems can range in topics and styles – flowery or overly-dramatic poetry is not the only option available. Many families and friends choose to write their own poems or essays about the deceased to have read at memorial services or posted on online memorial sites. This is a great way for those that are able to express their feelings on paper to do so and share those words to help heal the grief experienced by other family members as well.

Using poetry to help with grief, to express love or pain and to memorialize a friend or family member is very powerful and will be appreciated by others who have experienced a loss.

~ Ben Anton, 2008

The Truth About Emotional Intelligence

There is so much emphasis on emotional intelligence these days that it appears that people are suppressing their emotions and problems in an effort to "fit in," to keep their jobs, and using "positive self-talk" to muscle through the rough spots in their lives.

Recently, I had a friend over who has suffered enormous job stress during a time when his wife's father was dying of cancer. Of course, quitting his job didn't seem like an option during this difficult period, particularly since his wife returned to her parental home for many months to say good-bye to her dying father. That left him at home to take care of their children, pay the bills, and so on. Who can forge positively into a new job-search with all that going on?

After his father-in-law passed away his wife returned home and he lost his job - as did many of his colleagues - and his wife decided she no longer wanted to remain married. What else could go wrong? OH! Of course! His father could be diagnosed with cancer: He was.

Now he is living a complete hell, with all of this turmoil, and two sweet children looking to him for stability. Is it any wonder that people are cracking under the strain?

He is all alone and he tries to be "emotionally together" but that only causes more harm than good. We (society), in our need for order and stability, don't want people with all these problems in our lives. We don't want them working in our office. They're broken!

Well, the truth is, our (society) expectations around emotional intelligence, and together, full-functioning adults, is what is breaking them.

I spent three hours with him the other night, acknowledging his horrific circumstances, his emotional turmoil, and gave him permission to embrace it all. He's not broken, he's experiencing emotional pain and it needs to be expressed, embraced, and worked through (processed.) It's not enough that he embrace it either. Community is required to surround, love, heal, and regenerate.

So, when we see hurting people, don't look at them as broken people who haven't got their act together. Look at them as someone who needs a bit of kindness, generosity, and loving support. Watch the power those simple things can have in their life.

Caveat: This does not condone people remaining disempowered victims for the rest of their lives. Our role is to embrace and still to empower, leaving the "wounded one" to take responsibility for their recovery. Embrace, love, and challenge.

The Problem with the Rebound

One of the most common mistakes in a relationship is the rebound. For those of you who do not know what a rebound relationship is, let’s start with that. The definition of a rebound relationship is jumping into a committed relationship very quickly after the end of a committed relationship. Many people fall into this type of trap as they are trying to move on from a break up. There are healthy ways to get past the dissolution of a relationship and a rebound relationship definitely does not belong in that list. There are many reasons not to rebound with someone right after a committed relationship. Some of them include trying to replace an ex, not enough time to heal, and you can hurt the person you start dating.

First of all, dating someone on the rebound is not a good idea because many people who date on the rebound are trying to replace their ex. Many people in this position have low self-esteem and rebound in order to have someone to be with. Loneliness can be a very motivating factor to push someone into a relationship before they are ready. Do not let this happen to you. The break up of a relationship is painful and there is not a quick fix to get over it. Respect yourself enough to just take the time you need to get over this hurtful experience. Rebounding will not help you get over the breakup or replace your ex significant other. It will only cause problems in your life.

Another reason you do not want to try to rebound is that you will not have enough time to heal. This was talked about briefly when discussing trying to replace your ex. Respecting yourself and getting to know yourself again is the only way to get over being dumped. Jumping into another serious relationship does not allow enough time for you to do either of these things. Take some much needed time to grieve over your relationship, and then you can decide what type of role you want to have in the dating game. There is no hurry, so don’t rush. Playing it safe and smart after a break up is always a good idea.

A final reason that you don’t want to get immediately back into a relationship when you get dumped or break up with someone is that there are other people’s feelings to consider. Think about if you jump into a serious relationship and then realize you aren’t ready for it. The person you are dating might be extremely hurt by this. Considering others’ feelings is very important as you do not want any more hard feelings between you and another person. If you move too quickly into a relationship and then back out, that leaves the other person possibly devastated. Moving more slowly into a relationship can help better the chances that someone else may be hurt.

Obviously rebounds are not a healthy way to get back into the dating scene. So many things can go wrong if you do this, and risking more pain when you are not over the first heartache will not help. Take time to get over your broken relationship, learn about yourself and who you are, and what you want out of a new relationship. By doing this, you may spare yourself and someone else the pain of another break up.

Ten Ideas for Creating a Memorial After the Funeral or Life Celebration

Below you will find many memorial and remembrance ideas that you can use to keep the memory of your loved one alive. After the funeral, memorial service or life celebration many people wish to have something permanent as a reminder of the person that they loved and lost. It may help to think about what was important to the person you lost. What did they value? What made them smile? Perhaps by beginning there, the appropriate memorial will present itself. Here are 10 ideas that may help to guide you.

- You can plant a tree in their memory. You can find tree seedlings on the internet. You could also buy a tree at a local nursery.

- Have your love one's photo placed on a stamp. This also would be ideal for the thank you notes you will be sending for the flowers, donations and the help you will be receiving. Get more information here http://photo.stamps.com/PhotoStamps/learn-more/. On the anniversary of their death or on their birthday, consider sending a card or a memorial gift to close friends and relatives.

- Donate a memorial bench, if they loved golf, their favorite golf course may welcome the donation of a memorial bench. You may also consider purchasing a plaque or a brick in their name to help fund a community project.
- Have a star in the sky named after your loved one.
- Plant a section in the garden each year with their favorite flowers, you also may want to add a stepping stone or rock with their name on it in their special section of the garden. Consider each year sharing flowers from that section of the garden with the family and friends of your loved one.
- Start a college scholarship in their name.
- Create a video or DVD from photos and video or movie clips. This video can be played at family gatherings and on the person’s birthday or anniversary of their death. You can also easily make copies to share with close friends and relatives.
- Create a book of memories for the deceased’s family. Have friends and family write on note cards and include the note cards with photos in the book. You may also want to include newspaper articles about the deceased, the obituary etc.
- Create a memorial on the web – there are several websites that allow loved ones to memorialize the deceased through video, pictures, and voice recordings.
- Keep a journal of your memories, your thoughts and what you learned from your loved one.

Dealing with a loss of a loved one is so difficult. It’s important to do what brings you peace-of-mind. Focusing on a memorial may help you through the grief process and allow you to focus on the unique and positive aspects of your loved ones life and how that life can be remembered and celebrated for years to come.

Sympathy Flowers - Advice from Experts

Flowers have been displayed at the time of one's passing in nearly every culture throughout time, and their importance continues today. At funerals, wakes, memorials, and cremation services, flowers and plants are a sensitive way to commemorate the life of the departed, express heartfelt sympathy to the bereaved family, and provide an important element of natural beauty in an otherwise somber environment. Family and friends often comment on the artistry, color, and fragrance of sympathy flowers, helping to aide conversation and soften the sorrow. An outpouring of flowers or a particularly striking floral tribute may be remembered long after the funeral as one of the most uplifting symbols of support. In the weeks that follow, flowers, gift baskets, and other expressions sent to the home are also important, as family members adjust to their grief. If you would like to express your sympathy to someone but are unsure what types of flowers or other gestures may best fit the situation, here are a few suggestions from experts to help.

Showing You Care
The most important consideration is to show you care, for the deceased, the bereaved family, and other loved ones who will be gathered. Flowers are one critical component, because they show tribute and honor to the life of the deceased. When considering what type of sympathy flowers may be most appropriate, consider that life. Bright flowers may be best to describe a fruitful life and convey the joy of fondest memories. Pale pastels are appropriate for a soft, feminine touch, while Autumn tones convey a more masculine theme. Pure white blossoms denote purity, grace, and peace. Roses, especially red ones, express undying love.

Making It Personal
If you'd like to personalize your tribute even more, your local florist can help. You might consider incorporating a favorite flower, personal item, or picture of the family. For someone who loved gardening, you might consider a gathering basket of garden fresh flowers with a just-picked look. For someone of faith, you might prefer a cross, Madonna, or other icon. Funeral flowers can be designed in all kinds of shapes and sizes, including insignias and sports items, as well as more traditional wreaths and sprays. Of course, flowers aren't the only way to show you care. Other gestures are important as well. Providing dinner for the family some evening can be so helpful, especially for families including children or elderly. A thoughtful letter, informal outing, or contribution to a favorite charity are excellent options, too. These additional gestures compliment the thoughtfulness of your sympathy flowers, adding an extra personal touch that will be greatly appreciated.

Knowing How Much to Spend
The cost of funerals is steadily increasing. Fortunately, there are flowers for almost every budget. You can express yourself eloquently with something as simple as a single perfect rose, as economical as a modest mixed arrangement, or as striking as a grande standing spray of elegant roses and lilies. For gifts to the funeral home or memorial service, fresh flower arrangements in vases and fan-shaped sympathy designs are usually best, because they provide the most impact for your money. Sympathy flowers come in a broad range of sizes and price ranges. The choice is up to you, but remember there may be other floral tributes displayed in close proximity. So, you don't want to skimp on size. For a nice table arrangement, plan on spending about $50 to $70, with fancier styles running $75 and up. For a larger standing piece, $100 to $150 is common. For gifts to the home, both flowers and plant are popular, with prices typically in the $35 to $60 range.

What about "in lieu of flowers?"
At the suggestion of well-meaning friends or advisors, families sometimes include a phrase in the obituary announcement such as, "In lieu of flowers, contributions may be sent to..." Of course, most families sincerely appreciate all personal expressions of support and may later regret having too few flowers at the funeral. A more appropriate phrase for many might be, "In addition to flowers..." or simply, "Contributions appreciated to..." Use your best judgement, but keep in mind that the "in lieu of" terminology is usually intended to encourage charitable gifts rather than discourage other expressions. Tasteful sympathy flowers are almost always appropriate in addition to charitable giving.

I didn't find out until after the funeral!
Even if you didn't know about the funeral until after it was over, you can still convey your love and respect. Family members need your thoughts, prayers, and personal expressions long after the funeral is over. Flowers and other gestures are a sensitive and appropriate way to let them know that they are not alone. After all, one of the best ways to honor those who have passed is to support those they have left behind.

Are there other ways that I can help?
The best thing you can do is to let family members know that you care. Help with meals, provide child care, drop by with a gift or card, or simply call. Everyone responds to loss differently, but reaching out reminds people they're not alone. You're care may help distract them from their grief allowing an easier transition into a normal routine. In other words, just being there is the best thing you can do to help.

From the people at <a href=”http://www.800florals.com”>1-800-Florals</a> and the Society of American Florists. For additional information and floral tributes, visit <a href="http://800florals.com/category.asp?category=sf">Sympathy Flowers</a> online.

Permission is granted to republish this article in its entirety on the Internet, as long as the credit and link above are included.

Releasing Relationship Pain

Often times when a relationship ends there are things left unsaid and questions left unanswered. Through the use of this technique you can resolve these issues and allow yourself to move on and let go of the past. This technique can also be used with those that are now deceased.

Sit yourself in a quiet space where you will not be disturbed. Ideally have an empty chair or seat opposite you. Close your eyes for a moment, and take a few deep breaths and allow yourself to relax and let go.

When you open your eyes imagine that you can see the person with whom things are left unsaid sitting opposite you. All you need to do is to pretend they are there, so if you think you are having problems visualising just pretend.

Say to the person whatever is on your mind, whatever you want to release. If there is a situation that you want to resolve, for example the break down of a relationship then talk about that.

When you have finished you may want a response from them. If so then go and sit in the other chair and pretend you are them answering back. Keep your mind focussed on what was said when you do and allow the answer to flow. Remember that if you consciously say what you want to hear rather than what you really hear you are only cheating yourself, no one else.

When they have finished speaking, sit back in your original chair.

Keep up the conversation, moving from chair to chair assuming the other person's persona when in their chair until the conversation comes to an end. Then return to your original chair and thank them for their time before going about your business.

This technique is incredible valuable for letting go of pain, guilt and hurt from any sort of relationship, not just romantic relationships. Often when performing this technique you will be surprised by the answers that you receive from the other person.

You can engage your sub-conscious in releasing the past through the Releasing Emotional Blocks Audio CD and the Karmic Cleansing program.

Online Memorials: Sharing Family History and Life Stories Online

We all want to live a life that has an impact on the people around us and the family that comes after us. Often times the best way to learn about those around us, our family history and those people that shaped our lives, is by reading their life story. So much can be learned by reading someone’s obituary but that sometimes only scratches the service of how a person lived, what they loved and how much they were loved. An online memorial can help keep a memory alive and help you celebrate the life of a love one.

An online memorial website is more creative than an obituary and is a great way to share memories and celebrate the lives of those who are no longer with us. You can spend minutes, hours or days creating an online memorial for someone you knew and loved. There are many online services that are designed specifically to host such tributes. To get the most out of a life story page, find one where you can share memories, photos, videos and access it from anywhere in the world.

Creating a life story page is simple. It does not take any special computer skills or expensive equipment to put one together. The virtual memorial that you create should remain online for an indefinite period of time. This allows friends, family and even future generations to view the memorial and leave their own personal tributes and condolences. Many services do allow online memorials to be created and password protected, for added privacy.

Grieving over the death of someone you loved is one of the most difficult and emotionally wrenching experiences you will go through in your lifetime. To truly move on from such a powerful and devastating experience, each person must find what allows them to move through their grief. Many activities and coping techniques are found to work for people, but each person will need to find a way to do so in a way best suited for them.

By providing a place of remembrance for a loved one, a virtual memorial can give the strength to be able to heal and move forward with our lives. When becoming overwhelmed by an emotion, whether it is sadness, regret, guilt, or even happiness at certain memories, visiting an online memorial to the deceased can help. These sites host information about family history, anecdotes about your loved one’s life and pictures of key moments you shared with them. Remembering these things and spending a moment appreciating the times you did spend with them can have a significant effect on your mood and overall long-term healing.

We all create a life story we hope will live on after we are gone and effect generations after us. By writing these stories down for family, friends and sometimes strangers to read, acknowledge and appreciate, we are ensuring that a loved one’s life lives on after death. We all want to celebrate the people who have made a lasting impression on us.

~ Ben Anton, 2008

A Simple Formula For Overcoming Fear and Worry

If you ask most people why they have not achieved their goals or the level of success they desire, they will usually respond with some built-in excuse (negative belief) that is holding them back. Underlying this excuse or negative belief is usually a fear or worry. How many times have you attempted something new, only to stop before you ever got started because you were afraid of what others may think? Or you don't think you have the time or money or both? Or because you believe are inexperienced or lack the knowledge to succeed?

Someone once defined F.E.A.R. as False Evidence Appearing Real, which means we have chosen to believe in something that is not really true. But because it is our belief, it is our reality. Worry is nothing more than a sustained fear caused by indecision. Sometimes we need to ask some tough questions to determine the cause of these worries or fears. Once the fear is identified, a simple formula can be used to overcome that fear.

The first step is to clearly define what you are afraid of or worried about. Write in down. Put in on paper. Half of your worries and fears will be solved the instant you can define them clearly by putting them on paper. What once seemed big in your mind will look small and insignificant on paper.

For the other half, you need to move on to step two. Ask yourself, what is the worst possible thing that can happen if this fear or worry becomes true? Make a list, yes, write it down on paper underneath your clearly defined worry. Keep writing down everything that comes to mind until you have identified the worst possible outcome. Do you realize that 90% of what we worry about never happens? Think about how much time you spend on worrying about stuff that never will happen. This list will help you see that.

Once you have completed your list, resolve in your mind that you will accept the worst possible thing that can happen. Since 90% of those things will never occur and generally the other 10% will not kill you, realize you will survive. Accept the worst possible thing by telling yourself, I can handle it, over and over again. This will start to turn things around.

Finally, begin now to make sure the worst never happens. Put together an action plan of exactly what you need to do to turn things around. By focusing on positive changes and implementing your action plan, your focus will shift to the positive outcomes and away from your fears. You will begin to feel better because now you can DO SOMETHING! Positive action is the only cure for fear and worry. Try this formula today and see if it will work for you. It has worked for me.

To Your Success!
Steve Scoresby

How to Scatter Cremated Remains (Ashes)

You may envision going out to a beautiful spot and scattering your loved ones remains. While this can be a beautiful, ceremonial and a very healing way of returning a loved one to nature, it can also be a disaster. The following guidelines, will make the experience a positive one and make the final wish of your loved one, “I just want my ashes to be scattered” to come true.

To begin, often the word “ashes” is used to describe cremated remains. The media portrays it as light ash. The reality is the remains are bone fragments that have been mechanically reduced. They normally don’t gently flow into the air. It is more like heavy sand That being said there is some dust or ash that can blow in the wind, so when scattering cremated remains make sure to check the wind so they don’t blow back in people’s faces or onto a boat.

You will also want to consider the legal requirements to scatter remains. In no state is it legal to scatter remains on private property without permission from the property owner. Many parks also have rules and permit requirements so you will want to check into the requirements.

If you do plan on scattering the remains, many people are choosing to keep some of the remains in a keepsake container or mini urn. Some people feel they still want a part of the person and sharing the cremated remains is a way to still have a part of the person with you. Keep in mind, you will want to make sure the partial remains are in a sealed plastic bag inside the keepsake or mini urn. A funeral director can handle this for you. Many products are also available such as diamonds that are made out of the remains, jewelry that is designed to hold the remains or hand blown glass paper weights.

Techniques for Scattering

Casting

Casting is a way of scattering where the remains are tossed into the wind. As I mentioned previously, you will want to check the direction of the wind and cast the remains downwind. Most of the remains will fall to the ground and some of the lighter particles will blow in the wind forming a whitish-grey cloud.

One person in the group may cast the remains or scatter some and hand the container to the next person so everyone has a chance to ceremonially cast the remains. Another option is people are given paper cups or casting cups and they cast simultaneously in a sort of toasting gesture.

Trenching

Trenching is digging a hole or trench in the ground or sand and the remains are placed into the trench. The remains can be placed directly into the trench or placed in a biodegradable bag or urn. At the end of the ceremony survivors often rake over the trench. A deceased name can be drawn in the dirt or sand- perhaps inside of a heart. The remains could also be placed inside this name and heart. You may consider taking a photo of this for a memory book. If done at the beach, it can be timed that the tide comes in and ceremoniously washes it out to sea. Family and friends may want to join hands and form a circle. If not too windy, candles may also form a circle around the site. The candles are then given to each person as a keepsake.

Raking

Raking involves pouring the cremated remains from an urn evenly on loose soil and then raking them into the ground at the conclusion of the ceremony. It is important to keep the urn close to the ground when pouring out the remains due to wind. Survivors may wish to take turns raking the remains back into the earth. If you choose to do this at a scattering garden at a cemetery this is how they will perform the scattering.

Green Burial

This is done either at a “Green Cemetery” or at a traditional cemetery. Often cemeteries will allow you to place a biodegradable bag or biodegradable urn on top of a gravesite or a family member as long as it is buried. Obviously, you will want to check with the cemetery and see what their requirements are.

Water Scattering

Water scattering involves placing the remains into a body of water. A biodegradable bag or urn is recommended. This is most often when cremated remains can blow back into a person’s face or get washed up onto the side of the boat. Both experiences can be traumatic and not the everlasting peaceful memory you envisioned. If you search on the internet or in the phone book you can find people that have boats and are experienced. There are urns on the market designed to gently float away and then quickly biodegrade into the water. Many people throw rose petals or flowers into the water after the urn. If the remains are in a biodegradable bag they may sink so you also may wish to throw a wreath of flowers into the water and watch the wreath drift away.

Air Scattering

Air scattering is best performed by professional pilots and air services. The airplanes are specially designed to handle the cremated remains. Some professionals will arrange for family and friends to be on the ground watching as the plane flies over and a plume of remains can be seen from the ground. If survivors are not present, the service will provide the specific time and date of the aerial scattering. Often it can be arranged that close family and friends fly along.

While scattering cremated remains can be emotionally very difficult, hopefully by knowing your options and being informed it will make a difficult time a little easier.

Healthy Grief, Unhealthy Grief

We all know that it is in one’s highest good to grieve the loss of a relationship. Healthy grief releases feelings rather than allowing them to get stuck in the body. Healthy grief allows the griever to heal the loss and move on with life.

Yet grief is not always healing. Many of us have known people who were stuck in their grief, seemingly locked into the past and unable to move forward in their lives.

What is the difference between those who feel their grief and move on and those who get stuck in it? The difference lies in what they believe they have lost. When people believe they have lost their source of love, their grief will feel unending.

Gary had been in a three-year relationship with Samantha when Samantha decided to end the relationship. Gary was devastated. In this relationship, like in his past relationships, Gary was a taker – always trying to get love but unable to give love or share love. Samantha gave him a lot of love, but she often felt very lonely with him. Gary was devastated when she left because his source of love was gone. He was not grieving the loss of Samantha as a person he loved. He was grieving the loss of her love for him. He was grieving as a lost wounded child rather than as a loving adult.

As a result, Gary became stuck in his grief. He was stuck in feeling like a victim – stuck in “poor me.” Gary had never done the inner work to develop an adult part of himself that could bring love to himself and share it with others. He felt lost, abandoned, and hurt. No matter how much he cried, no healing occurred. Because he was abandoning himself, he just continued to feel alone and despairing. Sometimes he was angry at Samantha for abandoning him and other times he was angry at himself for not being a better partner. He had many regrets that plagued him, and a constant inner refrain was, “If only I had……” “If only I had listened to her more, maybe she wouldn’t have left.” If only I had told her how beautiful she is, maybe she wouldn’t have left.”

Frank, on the other hand, was in deep grief over the death of his beloved wife, Beth. He had loved Beth with his whole heart and he missed her terribly. Yet Frank’s grief was totally different than Gary’s grief. Frank missed Beth’s laugh. He missed her joy, her caring for people, her sense of wonder. He missed her as a person, and he missed being able to share his love with her. Frank had no regrets because he had not been a taker. He had loved Beth totally and was deeply grateful for the time he had with her. But Frank was actually fine. His grief came in waves, and he cried when it came. Then it washed through and he was fine again.

Frank was fine because Beth had not been the source of his sense of self. Frank had a strong loving inner adult who was connected with a spiritual source of love and wisdom. This was his Source, not Beth. Frank was a person who took full responsibility for his own pain and joy. He had never made Beth responsible for his feelings or his wellbeing.
Because he had never abandoned himself, he could miss Beth and grieve for her without feeling abandoned, lost, victimized and alone.

Gary, on the other hand, was not fine, no matter how much sadness he released, because Samantha had been his Source of love, his Higher Power. He had handed to her the job of defining his sense of self, so when she left, all he could feel was abandoned. Gary had handed his Inner Child – his feeling self – to Samantha. He had made Samantha responsible for his feelings, so when she left, he felt like an abandoned child. His Source of love had gone away.

Because Frank knew how to love himself, he knew how to love others. Within a couple of years, Frank was in another loving relationship.

Gary found another relationship within six months of losing Samantha, and six months after that was again alone. Until Gary decides to learn to take responsibility for his own feelings and needs, he will likely continue to lose relationship after relationship, and continue to be stuck in feeling like a victim of the women in his life.

Grief & Loss

Have you ever lost someone close to you to death? We go through a grief process that was best described by Elizabeth Kublar-Ross in On Death and Dying. In it she talks about the five stages that people go through---denial and isolation; anger; bargaining; depression and finally acceptance. The dying, as well as those who love them, go through these stages although rarely at the same time and these stages are not predictable.

You may think you are in the anger phase, then jump to depression and then, back to denial again. There is no rhyme or reason---only what feels right for each individual at the time. No one can predict how long a phase will last. If you are grieving and some well-meaning person suggests that you shouldn’t be feeling what you are feeling, kindly thank them for their concern but know that you are exactly where you need to be.

However, with grief, sometimes you will become aware of something not feeling right. You may think, “I should be over this by now” or “I don’t like feeling this way.” When you, yourself, recognize that it is time to move beyond where you are at, then trust that feeling as well.

I’d like to talk about grief from a Choice Theory perspective. This will probably take several posts to make sense of it all. I need to start with the Choice Theory expression that all behavior is purposeful since grief is really just a behavior in choice theory terms. Choice theory tells us that everything we do at any point in time is our best attempt to get something we want---some picture we have in our Quality World that will meet one or more of our needs in some way. Grief is no exception.

Once you understand that all behavior is purposeful and that grief is a person’s best attempt to get something they want, then it becomes easier to know what to do about it. What could we possibly be trying to get by grieving? Most people would say that there isn’t a choice. When someone we love dies, we have to grieve. I say it is natural that we will miss the person’s presence in our life but it isn’t inevitable that we have to grieve, not in the way most people think of grieving.

The first thing I believe that we are trying to get with our grief is the person who died. When we grieve, it is our best attempt to keep that person alive, at least in our perceived world. We know they no longer exist in the physical world as we know it. However, if we continue to think about them, pine for them, grieve their presence, then it keeps the thought of that person active in our perception and it feels better to us than the total void or absence of the other person.

Another possible advantage of grief is that it shows others just how much we cared for and loved the person who died. I’m not suggesting that people are being manipulative in their grief. What I am saying is that there is a side benefit to grief in that it shows others how much we cared. It also says, “See what a good ___________ I was.” Fill in the blank with husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, mother, father, sister, brother, etc.

Grief is also instrumental in getting us the support we need from others during our time of bereavement. People do things for us that we would normally be expected to do ourselves. Again, please don’t think that I am suggesting that a grieving person wakes up and “decides” to grieve so someone will stop by the house with a meal. None of this is conscious but I’m merely pointing out the potential advantages of grief.

Once we become totally conscious and aware of what our grief does and doesn’t do for us, then comes the hard part. We need to make some decisions about how we want to live.

There are always at least three options in every situation and they can be framed up in terms of---leave it, change it or accept it. With death, you may wonder how someone is going to “leave it.” Well, some possible ways would be major denial of the loss, suicide, drugs and/or alcohol abuse, or sinking deep into mental illness, among others.

When we get caught up in changing things, we may continue in our grief as our best attempt to get the person back. That might look like constant trips to the cemetery, frequent conversations with the deceased, refusing to believe he or she is truly gone, constantly talking about the one who’s gone. There are many things we can do to attempt to change the reality of the loss.

If and when we come to accept it, we can experience some measure of peace and rejoin the living. A healthy step in this process is finding a way to somehow maintain that person’s presence in our lives. Now, this is a very individual thing and you must be very careful not to judge the choices of the bereaved.

Most people saw Meet the Parents. In it, Robert DiNero’s character kept the ashes of his mother in an urn on his mantle. Many people do this with the cremated remains of their loved ones. Others place some ashes in a necklace and wear it around their neck. Some will set up scholarship or memorials. When my husband died, his family and I created a wrestling scholarship fund for a local high school wrestler. When my friend lost her 8 year-old son, she had the Houston zoo name the frog exhibit after him!

There are all kinds of creative ways to maintain the person’s presence. There is no wrong way. Whatever brings comfort to the bereaved should be supported by those around them. Remember that just because a person is choosing something that may be distasteful or wrong to you, doesn’t make it wrong for that person.

When acceptance occurs, then the grieving person can begin to reassimilate back into their life and the lives of those around them but it won’t happen overnight. We need patience and loving understanding for those coming back from grief.

Another possible choice is the person who doesn’t appear to grieve at all. There may be many explanations for this behavior. The person may be very private and won’t do his or her grieving where others can see. Another possibility is that the person is trying to be strong for everyone else. I know I wanted my children to KNOW that I was going to be OK. I didn’t want them to believe that they had to take care of me. To some, it seemed that I wasn’t grieving enough.

If you are grieving, or you are involved in the life of someone who is grieving, please don’t judge yourself or them. Understand that all behavior is purposeful and the person is getting something out of what they are doing. When they become conscious that there is a choice, then they can make a conscious decision about which of the three choices they want to make. Once they know the direction they want to go in, they have to flesh out the details of their plan.

Funeral Eulogies: Meaningful Words for Funeral Services

Losing a family member or close friend can be devastating and can have a lasting effect on all who knew the person who has passed. Dealing with the loss of a loved one can be difficult and may require talking about your feelings, expressing your condolences to a family member or writing about your grief in a diary or blog. Funeral or memorial services are also a means to share in the pain and express love for the deceased in order to heal.

One reason for the elaborate ceremonies around death is to help with that loss. Funeral rituals are designed to help ease the transition. In many cultures and religious traditions, part of these rituals is the delivery of a eulogy – a short memorial message celebrating the person’s accomplishments and important moments.

If you have been asked to deliver a eulogy, appreciate the honor you have been given. You may feel that you are too sad or that you don’t have the skills to write and deliver an appropriately moving tribute at a funeral or memorial service. If giving the eulogy is overwhelming to you, remember that while it may seem daunting, there are tips that can help you manage your anxiety and help you provide a service to both the living in their moment of loss and to the one you have lost.

If you are asked to deliver a eulogy for someone you know, take a moment to sort out your feelings about the deceased and gather your thoughts. A eulogy is designed to memorialize and celebrate the good things in the person’s life. Pulling together a selection of memories and comments about those things can be a remarkable way to begin to deal with your own grief. Also, ask other family members and friends to share their memories, anecdotes and stories of how that person touched their lives. Hearing and sharing these memories can help you create a more complete picture of the person for those who are hearing you.

Once you’ve gathered your information, decide how you will organize it. Eulogies can take a chronological approach, where the eulogist traces the person’s life in the order in which it happened. They can also be given as a story of a variety of portraits of important moments – snapshots of tender times, gently humorous anecdotes, and the like. If more than one person is delivering a eulogy, coordinate with them so both approaches are used.

If you find it hard to think of moving things to say, you may want to look at various sources for inspiration or short quotes to include in your speech. From the Bible or other religious texts to anthologies and websites of eulogy poetry and inspirational quotes, you may find the words you seek. Be careful, however, your own words are more important than anything you can find elsewhere. Keep the tone of the eulogy personal and use simple language so that the listeners can connect more directly to your words and the memories it conveys of the deceased. Typically, a eulogy runs around five to ten minutes in length.

Giving a eulogy is an honor. It is a chance to help others begin the transition to a life after the person’s passing. The eulogist has a chance to ease the pain of others by providing them with a picture of the best things about that person, something they can hold on to in the difficult days to follow. To be asked to deliver a memorial tribute is to be given the responsibility of assisting many. A little time and preparation in the writing stage can make a huge difference in the impact of your delivery and can help you and your friends and family in their time of need.

~ Ben Anton, 2007

Celebrate Life: Using Online Memorials and Other Funeral Services to Remember

Grieving a lost loved one is never easy. One of the best therapies for this grief is to honor their life and give them a memorial service. Most people don’t think beyond the traditional memorial service. There are many alternative, or untraditional, memorial service options. These can range from simple memorial poems to elaborate funeral memorials. When searching for the perfect memorial for a loved one don’t forget some of these other options.

Some people opt for the traditional memorial service at a funeral home or graveside. These can be enhanced by a nice memorial poem. Poems for lost loved ones can range from simple, emotion-filled lines to elaborate, flowing pieces with imagery and structure. These poems may be read at the service, posted online in honor of the lost loved one, shared with family, or simply kept with other mementos. The simple act of writing one’s feelings has a very therapeutic effect and can help the healing process. Others may be having the same feelings and emotions and by reading the poem it may help them work along the grieving track.

The internet offers many other options, as well. Posting the obituary online or online funeral messages may help spread the word. Online memorials set up for a loved one can help to speed the healing. This offers the opportunity of celebrating their life. Posting their accomplishments and pictures will allow all those unable to make it to a service to grieve, also. A collage of photos, favorite quotes, favorite song clips, and even links to their favorite causes can fill this online memorial. This can be an evolving memorial. Allowing others to post their memories and special times with the lost will truly celebrate their life and honor them. Open it up and allow others to post favorite pictures or quotes from the person and watch as the memorial takes new shape and memories blossom.

Some people take this even farther and have an online funeral. This allows everyone to reach out and help each other heal. Those who are limited due to disability, geography, or other hurdles may attend an online funeral and share in the sadness and joy that may accompany a celebration of the loved one’s life. Video feed from the actual funeral service can be placed online or fed live during the service. Others will feel as if they are right there and feel a part of the process. This allows everyone the opportunity to be involved with laying the person’s soul to rest.

When deciding on how to remember a loved one the possibilities are endless. Imagination can go a long way when planning an untraditional memorial. A video showing clips and photos of the person with voice-overs from family and friends is a good option. Planning a celebration of the person’s life centered on things they enjoyed can help everyone remember them as they were in life. A memorial service for an avid scuba diver might take place in a favorite dive spot, or even underwater. The memories, and tears, may flow freely but the cleansing nature will be helpful. Share joys and favorite times and honor them in a place where they found joy.

Another popular form of memorial for a loved one is to give to a charity or favorite cause in their name. Taking this theme a little further, some families have volunteered, as a group, to assist the cause. A trip to the local Red Cross Blood Donor Center in honor of a lost loved one who volunteered with Red Cross would make a great tribute to their accomplishments in life. Whether giving money or blood, this is a true memorial to a loved one.

Whether holding a traditional funeral service or an untraditional online memorial, the most important step after the death of a loved one is to start the healing process. This involves going through the grieving process and finding a way to honor and remember the person. If posting their history and memories to a public website does not feel right, make a special, password-protected site that only family can access. It becomes an intimate memorial but allows those separated by geography to share in the grieving, and healing, process. Remember, a memorial for a lost loved one can be a simple poem or an elaborate memorial service, but the most important factor is the celebration of their life and accomplishments.

~Ben Anton, 2007

Bereavement Poetry: Meaningful Words for Memorial Services

The loss of a loved one is the hardest thing that you will ever have to go through in your life, and you might find that at many times you feel hopeless. There are lights at the end of every darkness in life and the death of a loved one is no exception. There are many ways to deal with the death of a loved one, and there are many things that you can do to help yourself or to help someone else who is dealing with death. The use of bereavement poems can greatly help someone, or yourself, cope with the loss that is facing them.

A bereavement poem is a poem that you can use in a eulogy, a remembrance service or on a memorial site as a way to deal with the death of a loved one through imagery and words. When you are having a service, when you need something to get you through it, or when you are looking at words to have posted somewhere in memory of your loved one, a funeral or memorial poem is something that you might want to think about.

There have been many in memory of poems that have been written in the past for many situations. There are funeral poems for the loss of parents and grandparents, or children, or friends or other family members. Each memory poem has the potential to speak to your heart and to the hearts of the people who have lost loved ones. A memorial poem is designed to help with the coping process.

When you are thinking about poems for funerals, there are a couple things that you want to remember. Poems for memorial services should somehow have reference to the person that you have lost – their life, their loves, their faith or something that they loved. You want to be sure that the poem you have chosen is one that is going to speak to you and speak to the other grieving family members.

A well-chosen funeral poem can be something that you hang on to for a long time. You may want to consider printing copies of the memorial service poem to keep and to give to others who want to keep it. By having this poem with you and keeping it along with photos of your loved one either in a scrap book or on an online memorial website, you have words that you can always go back to for a memory. Writing down feelings either in prose or in poetry is highly recommended as a way to deal with severe grief.

All of the memories that you have wrapped up in a certain person can be easily expressed with a well chosen funeral poem and you will be able to keep these words as a memorial for a long time to come. Share a poem with others in hopes of helping them deal with their grief over losing a loved one. It is only by dealing with the grief that comes with losing a loved one that you can truly come out on the other side and learn to live your life again.

~ Ben Anton, 2007